Matterhorn Base Camp: Hörnlihütte
18th of August 2020, late in in the evening. I just arrived into the warm hug of the magnificent valley of Zermatt and as the mountains turn red with the last glimpse of sunlight over them I feel completely present, without rational thoughts nor past memories. Only the now persists and tomorrows future exists in my imagination. See what tomorrow will bring and just take a walk, explore the depth of every hidden corner of your new town, which is now your home my son. Every lost traveler feels the same, I can tell as our eyes meet on the narrow streets as we exchange friendly smiles, sometimes only shared with the blue skies. It feels good to share a simple smile or an honest cry in today’s complicated world of lies. The man at the train station was helpful, he even gave me a map and noticed the shining fire of adventure as he looked into my eyes and measured the importance of my visit of his hometown. Two weeks ago, I didn’t even have a train ticket, nor a plan, just the will to go and grow, to conquer my soul.
At first, I was disappointed, I even prayed for better weather, for a cloudless sky full of blue oceans and for a tangerine sunrise in the morning. How selfish can humans be, when the only thing we want is to see, to see simple beauty, that cannot be pictured nor put into words. And for a brief moment there it was, the top of Matterhorn, lifting itself out from the clouds, and as I first saw it, I did not believe it was real. Of course, I have seen mountains, but never a mountain so alone as the eyes that glimpse at it. In a matter of minutes the face of the mountain vanished, and darkness rose over the valley. Even the birds stopped singing and went to sleep. It is only seven, summer life should not be lived in the dark until eleven whispered the German woman next to me. We met only two hours ago and yet we have so many things in common, maybe we are both pretending to be better than we are or is it just the beauty and freedom of backpack travels when all the things that matter can fit into a tent and the conversations feel like vibrations and the wine is pouring faster than words can speak. I rather be rich with experiences than rich with possessions, the only thing I want to own right now is a cold beer, a map to plan tomorrow’s hike and my own light in the tent or maybe did we just pretend?
The calm silence of the night did not empty my thoughts, in fact it filled up my mind with worry. The Base Camp hike, you are not ready for it, you should’ve brought better shoes, you haven’t eaten enough, it’s a long journey which is not easy. Lessons and warnings started appearing and disappearing. It’s funny how the rational mind always seeks safe heaven and it’s the first that asks unnecessary questions. “It’s not about the altitude, it’s about the attitude.” Scott Fisher’s famous line of words enriched my will to conquer the unseen goal. After my car accident which gave me a new life and showed how death looks like up closely I never take life for granted. I know I could die any moment. For those two seconds while rolling mid-air I have seen happy faces of my best friends smiling back at me with my future plans dissolving in my own blood. In a strange way those events awaken you with greater sense of life appreciation and bigger will to live and carry on, in contrary they also teach you that the only thing certain in life is death, which does not await you in bored agony, but shakes your life out by surprise. The mind and the big ego, the two false friends. The first just talks to you the whole day, the other makes you feel utterly important. Loose them both, check the weather, pack your things for it is time to sleep.
From the moment the Sun said goodbye to the valley, cold late autumn night greeted us. It was cold, around 5 ˘C in the night. To get some sleep, I dressed myself up like a newborn baby who leaves the house for the first time. I always feel sorry for them, they can barely move their hands or legs, wrapped up like a pancake, no wonder they cry all the time. I barely slept like a baby, more like a worried wanderer, yet my dreams they taught me purpose. I dreamt about a long-passed father, holding his son, whom he loved more than anything in life. I’ve seen them smiling together for the first time in my life as they were climbing up the path which awaits me tomorrow. The father even had his funny hat, which he used to wear in the winter. The pictures of faded memories that life gives us are never truly forgotten, they are relived in dreams. I felt honored that I had the privilege to meet the special man. Suddenly my own childhood greeted me and our six cows that we used to have, as they were happily flipping their tales across the green summer pastures of my hometown. The simple life of riding cows, running around all day, and just smiling in bed from the bruises we as children used to take makes me smile even today, and sometimes I really miss those long forgotten summer days. How happy I was living in that small village of mine, today I dream of leaving it all behind. For me there is nothing more there to see, only the safest place currently to be. Those were my vivid visions, for the first time without future and big career achievements, why not give them all up, own a farm, provide food for others, and die nameless and forgotten as everyone before me? I drank some water, closed my eyes again and the cold night took me away for another round.
The early 5 o’clock morning has spoken, it was cold outside. It felt amazing to finally leave the sleeping bag and to start my long-awaited journey to see Matterhorn and touch it with my bare hands. First, I showered in warm water just to wake up that half frozen body of mine, probably not the best idea to sleep in a tent near freezing temperatures. It felt good to be the first man to carpe the day. Before I set sail into the vast ocean of the Swiss Alps, I really wanted a hot cup of coffee. Zermatt was completely empty, but there was some warm light from one of the cafeterias, and so I walked with hope that my blood will be especially espressoed this early morning. There are so many substances, but coffee always works in the way you expect it to work, after some minutes the caffeinated molecules hit my head and I was flying through space and time up the valley in smile. Just as I left Zermatt there it was, Matterhorn in his perfect shape, uplifted from the clouds golden brown in a tangerine sunrise. I stood there speechless and meditated in pure sight for some minutes. I thought I was dreaming, beauty like this should not exist. There we were, me and Matterhorn both alone, but never lonely. Just the thought of the many people who experienced the same view as I made me tremble. From that day on I was certain, that this image will haunt me forever, a small man looking at his big beasts of yet unslain future dreams. I could not see the foot of the mountain, because it was covered by clouds. I was worried, what if the clouds won’t go away and will stay here for a couple of days. What then? Nothing, life goes on as usual. As I hiked up the path, he Sun finally greeted my face and charged it light and warmth. It was quite early, there were no hikers at 2200 meters. The way up to Base Camp and back to the camp in Zermatt would take some time, but I did not care, I had everything, I was even ready to spend the night up there if something went wrong, water was plenty and the will to finish my path was strong as the complete silence of high-altitude loneliness, which was occasionally interrupted by loud screams of alpine marmots. These sneaky creatures are the funniest of all. From a distance I watched my sneaky friend as he was screaming back at me. The marmot noticed the danger of the foreigner and quickly jumped into his row and disappeared. Imagine how safe he must have felt in his holy home. Our temporary friendship with the marmot meant more for me than for him, one cannot blame him, he was the first marmot I ever saw in my life. The simple beauty of uninhabited lands cannot be expressed on paper, not can be imagined by an untraveled pair of eyes. We could spend months explaining, but they would only pretend to understand. To understand is to experience, simple as that, nothing more.
As marmots started to appear and disappear, I met more and more people who probably had the same goal as me. Everyone was friendly and we talked with a deep sense of appreciation towards the life under the clouds. The world is such a vast place to explore, I felt sorry for the people who never left their home, who never experienced true rainfall and tears, who never smiled from true beauty and mostly I felt sorry for the other half of the planet living without a place to call home, without food on the table or blankets to cover them while they sleep. I felt deep anger towards the unbalanced distribution of wealth. I felt ashamed, that after I return home, I can just go back to work and keep on living without worrying of not having enough. I closed my eyes to forget, and the unlimited spaciousness of the horizon affected me in a deep sense of appreciation as I was surrounded with black mountain tops covered with aged snow and historical glaciers. A lot of people lost their lives in these mountains and for what? To explain that to someone who has never seven seen mountains back home would be a waste of time, why even bother. Why even bother to seek answers to questions without deep meaning?
A young couple approached me and asked if I could take a picture of them. Sure, why not but you must know that I am no less than an average daily phone photographer. They smiled; the girl gave me a compliment that I look just like the guy from Into the Wild. Christopher McCandless or Alexander Supertramp I asked. She did not know how to answer that question, she just smiled for a moment and then suddenly she knew what I meant. There are two faces we show to the world, the one we keep for others and the one that we keep for ourselves. We kept on walking, talking and Matterhorn was growing and glowing in perfect midday sunlight. The top was still covered by clouds. The couple went ahead, I stayed and sat on the rock to enjoy my lunch in peace. As soon as I took the last bite the clouds started to disappear and for the first time, I could really see the whole body of the mountain, there are no words to describe the beauty of it, to call it majestic, magnificent, marvelous or monumental would be a crime. Only one’s own perception and temporary feelings can describe the sight of looking at it up closely. I felt intergalactic peace which I am still searching for every day after that event of simply gazing at the mountain. I stood there speechless, and time had no meaning nor value to me in that moment, it simply lost its own trajectory.
To conquer the paradise of the Base Camp was the final goal that kept me going and as the path started to narrow down the ride on the rocks became more and more dangerous with every step I took. What an amazing journey that was, free solo, one mistake and the injury after it, the loud or silent scream into the abyss and then darkness. Today’s fake world lacks courage and if you take the commitment towards courage nature will remove the impossible obstacles which grow in the back of your head. You must dream the impossible dream, for the world will not grind you under it, it will lift you up towards the sky. Those are the words that all the philosophers and spiritual teachers preached and continued collectively onward from Plato until today. Magic is done by daring to do, by hurling yourself into the abyss and discovering the feather bed that awaits at the end. Life is no featherbed, more like a stone covered mountain washed by rain. You are never sure if the path you are walking is the right one. You could try or not try; you would regret it both as Kierkegaard would say.
It was around 3 pm in the afternoon when I arrived, not many people were there, they left to catch the last cable car down to the valley at 4 pm. How simpler our lives have become, we invented machines to replace the physical burden of a simple walk up/downhill. If you want to conquer it, always go all the way, from start to finish and then back, that is the proper way of living life, and never forget to leave your trail behind. The famous Base Camp, the goal for today is finally here. The Rösti nourished the exhausted body of mine with simple calories, a coarsely grated baked potato dish with eggs and bacon. It was commonly eaten by farmers in the Canton of Bern, now it is a traditional Swiss dish. As I was silently enjoying the dish and the black tea my unconscious memories of my elementary school presentation about Switzerland kept appearing. It was the year 2007, German language class, each of us presented one German speaking country, I choose Switzerland. I suddenly remembered all the topics in the presentation, the pictures that I used and the famous Rösti picture, which I was just eating right now thirteen years after that event. From my childish eyes back then I never imagined eating it for the first time just under Matterhorn. I was smiling like a child and crying from happiness and no one around me knew why. Life is indeed beautiful, especially when you travel alone, because all of the past memories can return without resistance.
A climber whom I met and was on his journey to see the world from the top of Matterhorn suggested that I should see the starting point of the the Matterhorn climb, where the first rope laid by man was located. It was just above the Base Camp surrounded by the names of the people who lost their lives on the mountain. Standing near the rope, looking at the mountain wall and thinking about extraordinary human achievements that left families alone and children without parents made me tremble. To be able to climb Matterhorn with the hope to return you need to know every position of every rock on your way up, it is easy to get lost up there. You have to know who you are and be familiar with your capabilities and be prepared even to die, that is the beauty in it, you either smile or cry after the event. If you have time. I left my hand mark on the cold stone, looked upwards, turned back and started my journey downhill.
The real challenge was the way down. Imagine showing your back to the mountain all the time and turning back every five minutes just to take a long last glimpse at the horn. And every glimpse was never the last one. It is like saying goodbye to someone you loved, a long-lost friend, as the train leaves from the platform you just stand there speechless for some time, searching for the small red dot in the distance, but different. It is not the mountain that leaves you, but you who leave the mountain behind. And as you walk down you lose the sight and when you arrive back home, there is only the memory ingrained deep in your heart and head that remains, a truly wonderful feeling.
Journeys, empires, even dynasties can last a thousand years, but none of them last forever. Where there is a start there is an end, friendships last and so they end, even good deeds and memories are sometimes forgotten. I strongly believe that the darkness inside my soul was left up there to paint the blackness of the Alps. That is why I hike, to come back a better person as before, to reflect and to see simple beauty and uninhabited lands where time stands still. I do not know if this is the right way to live my life, but I will try to keep it that way. I will be the shepherd of my own soul, I will be the ship in the distance that catches the wind, the opportunities that life bring me. I will carry on for those who gave up, I will finish my PhD for the sake of my soul and I will love everyone who once believed or still believes in me.
Thank you, life and thank you my family. I am truly grateful and thank you Matterhorn for teaching me that there is pure religion in nature itself.
And I have loved thee, Ocean, mountains, and dreams. And my joy of youthful sports was on thy breast to be born, like thy bubbles, onward; from a boy to a man, from ruin to shore; upon the watery plain — this is who I am.
© S. Š.
12. 11. 2020, finished: 11. 7. 2022
